Life Expectations: Does it Push Us Forward or Falter Us?

“When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.”

I often tell myself “stop expecting because if it doesn’t happen, it will only disappoint you.” And yet, I can’t help but continue to expect things. Why? “I never seem to learn my lesson, do I?” *scratches head*

My friends often tell me the same and I can’t help but notice that they unconsciously did exactly the opposite of what they advised me as well. Why is that so? *shrugs and scratches head again*

It is a norm for us to set some expectations in our lives. It is part of human’s nature to dream and desire things and these dreams and desires manifests from a set of beliefs that we encounter and learn along the way in our lives, which we then set a certain expectation to achieve those dreams and desires.

Here’s a story of mine. Many years ago, I was a naïve girl still living in my own wonderland and expect money to fall from the sky (yes, that’s the naïve and stupid me). Okay, I wasn’t exactly expecting money to fall from the sky, but somewhere along those lines. I enjoy learning about new cultures and at that point of time, the naïve me was fascinated with the Japanese culture. I was reading endlessly about it and wanted to learn the Japanese language (because I was a fan of their pop culture as well). To learn the language, one of the best ways is to make friends with the natives. How? The naïve me registered for an account on a pen pal website where I could meet Japanese people and make friends with them by exchanging messages online, well because we’re in the digital era. I’d love to receive and exchange actual letters though. Feels nostalgic and retro.

I dropped a message to a Japanese pen pal and when he responded, the naïve me was overjoyed. I was so excited as if I have never received a message in my life (yes, that’s the naïve me, you’re probably shaking your head now). Continuing on, we started exchanging messages and even shared our emails and messaging IDs, and carried on the conversation from there. My very first expectation was I got the opportunity to learn Japanese from him, but the reality was, he was mostly benefitting himself by learning English from me. I was happy to guide him by improving his pronunciation, vocabulary and grammar, but I wasn’t learning much from him. The naïve me convinced myself that it was alright. It’s good to give, but better to not expect anything in return.

Here comes the second expectation, we started exchanging messages regularly to the point I was expecting messages from him every day (my naïve self was a clingy idiot). One day, his replies started slowing down and I wondered why. When I asked him the reason for his dwindling replies, he said he was too busy. The naïve me believed his reasoning, but deep down, I was a teeny-bit disappointed. I somehow convinced myself that it was alright (again).

The final expectation, even though the replies started dwindling, the naïve me was expecting and hoping to keep this friendship, at the very least. But, when that did not happen and we eventually stopped exchanging emails altogether, the disappointment that I felt was hurtful. I constantly questioned myself “did I do something wrong?” It took me a while to learn to accept it, and ironically, despite the hurt, this Japanese pen pal indirectly taught me not to set high expectations and be too hopeful of things.

I realised I’ve been disillusioned from these things called “expectation” and “hope”. From then on, whenever I met a new pen pal, I learned not to put high expectations and accept it if the friendship with the new pen pal did not work out. When I learn to accept, the pain that comes if things did not work out, felt mild and it won’t last for long, which eventually allowed me to move forward in life. Because, why ponder about it for a long time when all it does is feeding our miseries. At some point in life, we just got to learn to accept that that’s the way it is. *plays Celine Dion’s “That’s the Way It Is”*

Now, some of you may ask “if we don’t set expectations in life, how are we going to achieve our ambitions and desires?” It’s good to set some expectations in life because it makes us dream and work towards that goal. By all means, I would advise that it’s good to set some expectations because without these expectations, we are like an empty-shelled homo sapiens walking on planet earth.

However, as the saying goes “too much of anything is bad for you”. When you set too many expectations in life, you ended up living your life to please your expectations, not living your life for what it’s worth and for You (yes, and I mean You as an amazing individual). We start to live on what is expected of us and not for ourselves. We live for others’ illusions and that’s where the ever-famous phrase “learn to love yourself” comes to save us from these illusions, on a condition, you’re willing to open up and don’t be afraid of change.

Having expectations in life is good, but it could be hazardous, too, if you allow it to control your life. As described by Razzetti (2018), “when we expect, we stop accepting reality.” We need to make way for reality and the things before us. We should not live in our own expectations and wonderland all the time. When we do, not only we become a bitter individual, we become a victim to depression as well.

My best friend has ambitions of her own, to learn and become a professional digital marketer. She enjoyed learning about the job and this profession allowed her to explore the depths of her creative imaginations. She then set high expectations to thrive forward in achieving her ambitions. However, the reality was totally different from what she expected. There were various obstacles blocking her path. She fought through those obstacles, but those obstacles were like boulders permanently embedded to the earth (humanity is a wonder of things, aren’t they?). Each time she fought through the obstacles, a new expectation and hope stemmed its way to the top. And when those expectations are not met, she grew frustrated. These frustrations then manifested into dark thoughts, which eventually led to depression. Did she escape from her depression? Yes. After she learned to accept things the way they are.

Despite all that, having to lower your expectations or not having any expectations does not mean you give up entirely. No, I am not encouraging you to give up. But, don’t be too harsh on yourself when things did not go the way you expected it to. Be kind to yourself and allow some time to compose yourself. Do not dwell on it. Instead, accept it and keep going forward. The goal may not be achieved now, but if you keep trying without getting yourself worked up, you will eventually succeed.

Onto acceptance, here’s a passage from Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F” that resonates with me and caught me deep in thought:

“Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience.”

Not all of us achieve our expectations that we’ve set for ourselves and when those expectations did not turn out the way we want it to, we wallow in our own self-pity and disappointment. We would then seek for assurances as a means to “troubleshoot” ourselves. The feeling of disappointment is worse than the feeling of anger and sadness. But, when we learn to accept that those expectations may not always be achievable or turn out the way we want it to, we also learn to make peace with ourselves. We learn to love ourselves, appreciate the things around us and set the rules of those expectations that will shape our lives. Did I give up making friends with people from different countries? No. I still continue to make friends and those friendships have lasted over a year and a bit now. I learn to set my expectations lower and to accept when things turn out differently. Sometimes, when I feel an expectation bubbling its way through, I quickly pushed it to the very back of my mind. It’s my self-defense mechanism from this thing called “disappointment” (laughs). Because we all know how much ‘destructive’ power it holds to our being.

And here comes the next passage from Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F”:

“Ever notice that sometimes when you care less about something, you do better at it? Notice how it’s often the person who is the least invested in the success of something that actually ends up achieving it? Notice how sometimes when you stop giving a F, everything seems to fall into place?”

When I thought about it, it rang true to my ears (at least based on what I have experienced). When I stopped caring about my toxic ex-manager, things just started falling into place. The best miracle happened when this ex-manager tendered her resignation, a ray of light shined through the days which was once so dark and bleak in this particular chapter of my life (sorry for the dramatic prose here 😉). It gave me the hope and opportunity to explore further. And not only do I learn new skill sets, but I was given the chance to prove my capabilities in my job. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting it at all, but I am truly grateful for it.

So, back to the topic, does life expectations push us forward or falter us? I would say both. It pushes us forward, yet it falters us, only if, we allow it to. Setting expectations help to fuel our ambitions and desires, but do not set the bar too high to the point it controls your life, and instead of fulfilling your ambitions and goals, you end up allowing those expectations to snake its way through. Do not ever let it take control of your life because if you do, it’s difficult to get out of it. It would be harder for you to accept reality and see things for what they are. You are the owner of your life, take charge of it and make the best out of it. Because you’re worth it 😊

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