Ghosted?

“There would be a lot less ghosting if there was a lot less bullshitting.”

In this digital era, I am pretty sure many of us have come across the term “ghosting”. Ghosting refers to the practice of suddenly ending a relationship by ending all forms of communication with the person you’re talking to or friends with without any explanation. How many of us have been guilty of this? Whether we are the victim of ghosting, the ghostee or the one who initiated it, the ghoster. Be honest *peace*

The term “ghosting” I am referring to in this article, is focusing on long-term relationships (both friendship and romantic) and not on professional or workplace settings such as job interviews. Ghosting is a common phenomenon, which happens way back in the 19th century, but the term hasn’t been studied by psychologists until recently. Technology plays a big roe in shaping this “ghosting” evolution as well. Back in the 19th century, the means of communication is through letters and telephone calls. In this century, our means of communication has evolved to social media and messaging apps, which enables us to reach out to people around the globe instantaneously and effectively, making ghosting even more prevalent and recurrent. As quoted by Tara Collins, an associate professor of psychology at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina, “when it’s so easy to contact each other, it becomes very clear somebody is ignoring you intentionally.”

What many of us do not realise or may have realised, but chose to be ignorant about it, is ghosting someone is extremely rude and hurtful and definitely not a kind thing to do. It leaves the ghostee wondering where have they gone wrong and they may not settle down until the answer is found. Some of you may think ghosting is pretty common in this digital era and means nothing much, but let’s face it, deep down there’s a certain feeling that you can’t seem to shake off even though you try to convince yourself that it’s alright when someone has ghosted you. It takes time to recover, because the thing called “expectations” which leads to “disappointment” if things did not work out, holds so much “destructive” power that it will leave an everlasting effect on us.

When we meet someone for the first time and the chemistry clicks, conversations will naturally happen without much effort, especially when it’s a Two-way Conversation, and not a One-way Conversation. Naturally, as human beings, we will have expectations forming in our minds. We will have expectations of that person, and when you thought everything was going smoothly, BAM! The person suddenly disappears on you. When you text the person seeking for answers for his/ her sudden disappearance, you are returned with a “read” or “seen” only and a disappointment that takes days or weeks or months to recover from.

Furthermore, do remember that, this “disappointment” the person is feeling could lead them to fall victim to depression. And when I mention depression, I don’t mean the minor depression, but the deep and serious depression. We all know, depression is detrimental to our mental health and do you really want to see someone you care for to be in a state of depression because of your sudden ghosting to your own convenience? Only you yourself would know the answer to this question *winks*.

Some of you may say that ghosting is sometimes necessary when the person shows some red flags such as being creepy, clingy, controlling or extreme insecurity. They may be creepy and displayed some “red flags” even through texting, but they are humans, too. They have feelings nevertheless. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a message, which reads somewhere along the lines of “It’s good getting to know you, however, I don’t think I can continue committing to this conversation or relationship due to…”, rather than the sudden ghosting and leaving the person hanging in the air, clueless. By sending out that message, at the very least, you are telling the person to stop having expectations on you (because we homo sapiens have dreams and desires, which leads to the unavoidable attraction to “expectations”).

It would also be nice to state the reason, so the person is aware of and can improve himself or herself for the better. However, if the person is not accepting or understanding and asks tons of questions, which may lead to an argument, and things get heated up, then ghosting seems like a possible solution. In this case, it’s acceptable (this is the case with abusive and toxic relationships), though I would categorise this situation as a “no contact” rather than “ghosting”. At least you’ve conveyed your thoughts to that person rather than just walking away without any explanations.

To put it simply, ghosting is disrespectful and an immature way of avoiding adversities in relationships and friendships, and it’s especially reserved for people with extreme insecurity issues or a narcissist. Think about the amount of time and effort spent in building that relationship or friendship only to have the other party ghosted on you. Personally, I’ve been ghosted before and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. I was constantly questioning myself “where did I go wrong? Is it me or him or her?”, and it was emotionally stressful to keep thinking about it. Many years ago, I’ve ghosted people as well. Usually with people whom I’m not well acquainted. When it was my turn to be ghosted, it was painful, and from that moment, I knew what it felt like to be ghosted. What goes around, comes around ~ Karma is here to do its job.

Sometimes, we wonder why people ghost on others as well. The group of personalities that is more likely to ghost the ghostee is narcissists. Why? Narcissists are known to be self-centered and has an ego as huge as the universe. They often choose the easy way out when things get complicated and they lack of empathy. Hence, when they feel things are not working out in a relationship, especially not to their own benefits, they are more likely to ghost someone. As described by Tara Collins, “the people who do not like to have emotional closeness, they’re probably more likely to ghosts.” A lack of empathy in individuals is a type of a personality disorder in Psychopathy in general.

To learn more about Psychopathy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/psychopathy

There are also other reasons why a ghoster does what he or she does to a ghostee. The majority of it being unable to convey their message in words or handle the emotional aftermath in the event they conveyed it to the person. Now, you as a mature adult, you would know how to handle things rationally. If the other party isn’t understanding enough and broke into an emotional uproar, you as a rational person, have done your part by delivering what you have to say. You just need to walk away. I know, it’s harsh, but at the very least the other party knows his or her mistakes and will try to fix it (hopefully). It’s much better than disappearing without a word and the ghostee is left in a big ass limbo, which could affect them for many years down the road.

If the ghoster suddenly comes around again in your life, please do yourself a favour by blocking off the ghoster. Because, the ghoster is not worth your time and energy. You deserve someone better, who appreciates you, respects you, accepts you for who you are and invests his/ her time to be with you. If you allow a ghoster who once ghosted you into your life again, you’re more likely to experience that painful ghosting experience all over again. Stop the “what if” thoughts and be kind to yourself because your life and mental health takes precedence over the ghoster.

If you are thinking about ghosting someone in the near future, please reconsider and be empathetic, unless if you are speaking to a potential psychopath or sociopath, then ghost for your own safety. Ghosting is the most painful way than officially putting an end to a relationship or friendship with a heart-to-heart talk with your partner or friend. It could cause the person to turn into an emotional mess and as I mentioned previously, it’s an everlasting impact on the person.

Be kind and do the right thing, and be accountable for your actions. Some people don’t deserve this ghosting treatment, and if you’re an adult, act like one and solve things in a mature manner. Lastly, if the ghostee has been ghosted, take that as a blessing in disguise because a ghoster is usually the person who suffers from extreme insecurities or is a narcissist, who you might want to stay away from.

“Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.”

#articles #life #ghosting #relationships #psychology