Humanity: Being Kind and Nice

“Kindness connects to who you are, while niceness connects you to how you want to be seen.” — David Levithan

What do you do when you see a man sitting at the corner of the street with a small bowl clasped in his hands and head hung low? As you walk closer to the man, you noticed the man is missing a leg and his body is nothing but skin and bones. You decided to put some notes in his bowl and walk away, feeling satisfied that you have at least helped someone in need for the day.

Now, how many of us would have thought to go the extra mile of buying food and drink and probably a shawl for the man? That, my readers, is kindness.

We often describe a person as being “nice” and “kind” interchangeably. Some of us think being nice is an act of kindness. No, there’s a difference between being kind and being nice. Being nice is when you are polite and treat others well while being kind is when you actually care for others and have empathy, not taking into account if the person is your best friend or close colleagues, and it could be strangers. To put it simply, being nice is a façade we often put in public because “First Impression” matters.

Once, I had a very close friend whom I met at my previous workplace. I’ve heard rumours about her and have been warned to keep my distance from her many times, but I did not heed those warnings. I thought to myself back then, to get to know the person better, you need to talk to them rather than listen to gossips.

Despite the warnings, we often hangout after work hours and I would visit her house on weekends. We’d share stories to one another and laughed till our stomachs hurt. Once, she offered me a ride home despite our homes being from one end to another. I thought to myself, “how kind of her.” Later on, there were two or three occasions, I asked if she could give me a lift home because it was nearing midnight and I would treat her to lunch or dinner the next day as a thank you. She obliged and once again I thought to myself “how kind of her. She’s one of those friends where you don’t often come by nowadays, and I respect her.”

One fine day, I was having lunch with a mutual colleague of ours. Out of the blue, she mentioned to me “you know, [name] told me that you are taking advantage of her by asking her to send you home, and you don’t offer anything in return.” I was immensely shocked by that sentence that I just stared at my colleague.

From that day onwards, I questioned my close friendship with that friend. From that day onwards, I begin to see her flaws and her true character. From that day onwards, I begin to understand why most of our colleagues kept their distances from her. And I constantly questioned myself “what is the difference between kindness and niceness?”

Very often, I’ve come across phrases such as “he treated us to lunch. He’s such a nice and kind person.” and I can’t help, but questioned in my mind “he is a nice and kind person. Nice, yes. But, kind?” Treating a person to a meal is a nice gesture, but I wouldn’t consider it a kind gesture. Being kind is to care for the person and to put yourself in their shoes, going the extra mile without expecting anything in return, other than gratitude.

In my opinion, being nice is easy because it’s easy to plaster on a smile and be polite to someone you barely knew. Whereas, being kind is a whole different situation. Would you go out of your way to help someone you barely knew or even send an injured stray cat you found at the corner of a street, to the vet? If yes, kudos to you. The world definitely needs more people like you 😊

Kindness is a part of humanity and it is what makes us humane. People often say “you think too much.” It could be annoying to some people, but to think is when you question your conscience and gut feeling. And to question your conscience, it means you have feelings, which makes us humane. Take for example, during World War, many soldiers were drafted and were told to follow orders, including committing atrocities. If they do not obey, they will be punished or even face death. They knew deep down that it’s wrong to murder people, but the need to survive is crucial to them, too. They have families back at home. To survive the war, and out of fear, they chose to shut off their minds and stop thinking, devoid of feelings and emotions, which eventually led them to commit atrocities against their will. There were, however, some exceptional cases.

We live in an age where we are often affected by other people’s opinions although we have our own opinions, which may be different from others. Most of us did not want to be that nail which sticks out of the wood because we’re afraid of people’s judgements, afraid to be criticised and ostracized. This in turn, affects how much kindness we can show to others (Fitzpatrick, 2016). Sad, but this is the reality. As quoted by Fitzpatrick (2016), “it is that implicit biases we all suffer from, that continues to do the most damage.”

Occasionally, during my morning commute to work via the train, I witnessed some interesting incidents. Because it’s peak hour on weekdays, naturally, the train would be packed (not sardine-packed level though). Upon boarding the train, I often choose to stand, even if there’s a vacant seat nearby, and the seat would eventually be occupied by other passengers some time later.

As the train continues its journey down the line, on occasions, an elderly person would enter the train and stand before the seated white-collar passengers, some dozing off, some even faking it when they saw the elderly person. A white-collared man glanced at his surroundings, looking uncomfortable, probably hoping for someone else to offer their seat to the elderly person. A lady seated to his right was looking down at her smartphone, focusing so hard that I thought her eyes might pop out of their sockets. The man seated to his left was dozing off (who was fiddling with his smartphone just seconds before). The ladies seated opposite him were giving him that judgemental please-offer-your-seat stare. Feeling the pressure from his surroundings, he finally offered his seat to the elderly person. There were, of course some exceptional cases where I have encountered people who willingly gave their seats without a moment’s hesitation as well.

There are also times when kindness happens in ways you least expect it. How? Kindness isn’t all about the good and happy things. As Fitzpatrick (2016) describes it “you can be kind to someone even though you aren’t nice to them and you can be nice to someone, but also unkind.”

Here is an example, a colleague of yours has attitude problems and it is affecting others in the workplace. This colleague of yours does not seem to realise it and is probably still stuck in his or her La La Land, and others chose not to confront him/ her out of fear he or she might get offended or feel hurt. Sometimes, for the good of your colleague and hoping that he or she would change for the better, we need to be the “bad guy” by confronting the said person in a rational and diplomatic manner, and not in an aggressive manner. deep down we do hope for the best in the person to change for the better and thrive forward, and It is a better option to confront the person rather than staying silent and plaster on a forced smile. I am personally guilty of this, because I was afraid the person might get offended or couldn’t accept it in a positive light. If only I could turn back time, I would approach the person (only if it gets too serious). However, if the person refuses to listen, then that’s a different story altogether.

It is, however, easy to mistake between being nice and being kind. How do I usually distinguish that? Observe their actions. As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.” It may take some time, but if you observe carefully, you will find the cracks. For instance, a colleague sees you struggling with your work and you need to stay after work hours. A kind colleague would approach you and offer assistance and guidance to ease your workload, even though it’s past working hours. The colleague could’ve left the office and do his or her own activities, but instead, he or she is willing to sacrifice his or her time to help you who is struggling with work.

As described in an article by Meditation Mag:

“The kind person is strong. The nice person is weak.

The kind person is selfless. The nice person is selfish.

The kind person feels empathy. The nice person is narcissistic.

The kind person is happy. The nice person does not know happiness.

Ultimately: the core of a “kind person” is love. The core of a “nice person” is fear.”

When I stumbled across the above statement a few years back, it struck me deep, and I begin to observe people in a new perspective. That is to say, being nice is important as well. We shouldn’t disregard niceness altogether. Being nice is what make us civilised to begin with. But, to be kind is the key to humanity.

The world needs more kindness and we need to learn to be kind to people. That would make a lot of difference to the world and humanity. Simple, but it’s in fact, one of the most difficult things to achieve, especially when we’re in constant fear of others’ judgements and views, both consciously and unconsciously. It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. We could always start off by showing respect to others and treat them as equals. The simple gesture of being thoughtful of others is already an act of kindness. Each and every one of us may not be right all the time and we do make mistakes from time to time. I admit I have flaws myself and I am still learning from people, what it means to appreciate someone and to learn the true meaning of kindness. However, what we all know is kindness plays an essential role in the cores of our humanity.

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